8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize