I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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