i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
