you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
