Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
