God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
