A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
