She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize