I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
