Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
