I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
the day after is always just damage control
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize