she woke up with a sticky ear
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
