I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
