I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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