i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just cropdusted the office
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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