Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
pray to the hookup gods
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
