btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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