a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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