so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
