idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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