Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We smell like vodka and hangover
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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