Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
