Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
