Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
