Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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