He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ttyl tear gas
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
pray to the hookup gods
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
