Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
