Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
