I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
