Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
