i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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