I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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