Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
