I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize