Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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