I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
