Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
