I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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