I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Randomize