Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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