did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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