just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
