so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
