But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Randomize
