I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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