I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You smell like stripper and shame
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize