dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
