I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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