he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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