Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
