If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
