Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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