I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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