If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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