I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
