I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
