Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
