I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
