If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
