apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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