So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
