I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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