Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
