Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
