The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
