apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
