What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
