so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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