My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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