giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize