her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize