I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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