Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
