My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
