and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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