I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
