I am midnight drunk by noon
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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